There's a noodle in my brain

It's scary sometimes to be honest with oneself, but being honest with myself is also the closest I've ever been to maturity or adulthood or whatever. So lets take a deep breath and go under.

I've spent the last few months trying to reconcile things with my exboyfriend, who, I still love, but in what capacity and under what definitions, I do not know. What an incredibly hurtful and painful experience. One where I hurt him, myself, and he, the same. The fact that neither of are innocent has made the distribution of blame and sympathy a difficult situation. I feel both guilty and victimized.
I can feel this discomfort and overall sadness in my body, not quite located at the heart but perhaps slightly behind it. Not quite about heartbreak or love, but perhaps viewing this whole situation as a critique of who we are. Of thoughts about purity and perfection and goals and wants...spending years finding them and having them ripped from your throat by someone you love or maybe even yourself. Falling short of the expectations you set for yourself and set for you by others and still being loved. Finally getting to where you want to be and rejecting love...

The day after I catch the stomach flu I feel drained from everything I lost the day before. I'd like to go to sleep now.

Ready for fall

These last few weeks, I have been juggling around quite a platter of goals and desires. To some extent, that has been inspirational and was fueling my creativity in a lot of ways. Mostly though, it made me feel hectic, and having so many goals actually kept me from achieving any of them. I think part of the reason why I felt the need to have such goal was a fear that I would forget them altogether if I didn't immediately take action.
Happily, this is why the written language was invented...

1. Learn Spanish
2. Take lessons to learn web development so that I can...
3. Build websites for certain artists.
4. Help represented artist get a residency.
5. Find a full time job with benefits.
6. Find financial stability.
7. Take ballet...or karate.
8. Progress in personal art.

Really what I want is an inner peace with MYSELF. Spending more time indoors by myself has helped me realize that a platter of wants is no good unless you can focus your energy into actually accomplishing one. Also trying my best not to rush and keep my room clean. :) I think that mentally I am finally ready to usher in fall as a state of mind. ALso excited to wear layers and sweaters for fall. yup yup. :)

End of summer checklist (wishlist?) 2010

- Watch a movie outdoors (Target: Thursday, August 26
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade )
- Terrorize restaurant week.
(Target: Fig & Olive)
- party on a boat
- got to the beach (done!)

Quite Nice

Yesterday I got a really wonderful call from my friend Gil that I knew was coming for a long while...he got a job offer for a place that he is actually excited to work for and I am so happy for him!! This means so much to me as I look into changing the direction of my own career goals, and knowing that Gil has been working so hard and persevering through so much over these last few months, yet never gave up on finding that job is truly such an inspiration! It reaffirms my own feeling that hard work paves the road to success, and that is not just to be measured monetarily..but judged by that warm fuzzy feeling inside when you can say "I did it! and I deserved it too!" I'm excited for a weekend on heavy drinking celebration!

On my way home today there was an ad for SVA with a bunch of quotes by famous artists. It empowered me to come home and write, but of course I was drunk and can't remember what it said! (lame) Nor can I find it online...(double lame!) but...well, all I can say is there is quite a bit of positive feeling and emotion swirling around me these last few days (not least of which the beautiful wedding of my brother to his even hotter wife) and I feel quite nice.

Random musings following a busy absence

Hoping to expand my library of pet names, here are a few currently undergoing beta testing:

poobrainz, ass-slut, thumb head

I'll let you know how they go.

Yesterday I stumbled upon this entry from workplacepsychology.net asking "What gets you up in the morning?" and "What keeps you up at night?” (keeping in mind this is a blog dedicated to organizational psych).

Of course, my first thought was that what got me up in the morning was my alarm clock, my need to make money…the same things, more or less, that kept me up at night (anxieties about time + finances).

Taking the question more seriously y though…
What I WANT to wake up for, would be art. To continue chasing the gratification I receive from helping artists I really admire and appreciate for their creativity and skill succeed. Also, to share and spread their work not only for their benefit, but for the joy and inspiration I know that they can bestow on others who see their work. Even better, to bring that sort of joy and spark of creativity to people who don’t normally get to experience it.

What keeps me up at night? Fears that what I do is not enough. That I spread my focus too thinly or perhaps that I let fear and insecurity control my decisions rather than passion and honesty to myself.

A lot of thoughts have been cooking in my brain recently now that artists are coming in to pick up their work and the gallery is more or less closed. More time to read art criticism and re- immersion into the New York art world (via job hunting, mostly) now that the gallery no longer consumes all my time the way it once did (that was a wonderful time, btw) has got me sorting through some contradictory thoughts about the concept of “outsider” art (wtf is an outsider, particularly in the arts, really?) and the importance of artwork being challenging.

Tomorrow maybe..