You get what you give, no?

What a revelatory experience every day is. Here are some new updates from my life:

- My spelling ability has been greatly increased from transcribing my bosses messages onto emails. The downside is that I stare with anxious fear at the keyboard as I type now. On the upside, I have a greater appreciation now for the careful selection of words used in correspondence. Sort of charming and sweet.

-Recently finished Tweak, which is really just a more grown up Go Ask Alice. Or so I had thought it was till I noticed the binding listed it as "young adult." Is it wrong to admit that my inner pretension had its feelings hurt? I'm bouncing back with a Camus book I never finished. =[

-The director of the gallery told me my outfit was "cute." That was almost a week ago...and yet I am still basking in that glory. Just be glad I don't brag about these sort of things in real-life conversation. 

-Okay, and of course. everyday I am learning more about ME and growing up and maturing in different, different ways. Emotionally, physically and career wise, everyday has had its mark on me. I am thankful for this, but also overwhelmed; I still don't have the control over my life to balance these lessons while maintaining the little things that are important to me (clean home/ environment, getting enough sleep/ exercise, the balance of work and play) 

-I got a pseudo-promotion at one of my work places this week. "Pseudo" since I don;t get paid...but is it so wrong for me to feel emotionally gratified by being useful at the workplace?

Much of my time at work, during my commute or running errands is dedicated to self reflection. I think about the energy I put into my work, and my insatiable desire to do more and be better. Is it a way to compensate for something I am missing emotionally? Well, I concluded, at least so far, that for right now, work is just one of the ways I give love to myself. (haha, that actually sounds quite silly) 

What am I thinking about...?

Well, as usual I'm at work, and right now I am thinking about my boss. How sometimes he is really rude and abrasive w/o reason, but then will call me back twenty minutes later to offer me some iced tea and trail mix. He'll bring it over before he leaves for the night and, not that his rudeness had me so upset or anything like that, but...it's something he does for himself, to feel less guilt I guess. It makes wonder why do so many people, but in particular men, compensate for their wrong doings like that. Both unwilling to change their own ways or deal with the repercussions of their actions, they mask the issue with artificial acts of kindness or generosity...

Hello October

This last month has been....I guess I would rate my opinion of this last month somewhere near my feelings about the Bush presidency...a wasted and lost time... :(
Okay, not all sad face though, I think it was necessary, and slowly, I am feeling myself crawl out of it. I'm ready to truly focus on myself now. I had the same intentions to do so last month, but...I think I'm more at peace now...my mind doesn't drift all the time to other things and...I'm ready to improve ME, not by hanging out and drinking or whatever, but finding joy in the enrichment of myself.
What I really want to do right now is one of those 30-day hot yoga challenges, but I don;t think my current work schedule would allow it. Well...we shall see.

I<3 NY!

The truth is...I really do love the city....
SO CUTE...but they are creepily well trained...

The Ultimate Anxiety (Malcolm Morley)

If there is one thing I do miss about being a full-time student, its the concrete structure of my days. I'm not quite there yet, still setting up internships and learning to be productive with my day since I work nights. I never wanted a daily 9-5, but I do envy the predictability of it. Actually...maybe not that much, but I'm still debating on whether I feel like the train or the boat in this painting. I think being a new employee at so many places at once has given me a greatly increased sense of anxiety and fear at all times.

Final excercise of procrastination before ...

I'm feeling anxious here at work. I have fears that my internship with the nonprofit arts group may be falling through. Well, to explain, I was supposed to start after this holiday weekend, but then a death in the family of the head of the program has greatly postponed that. Or rather, communication has ceased altogether. I don't want to seem insensitive by reaching out to them repeatedly to find out what's going on, though part of me feels like this may secretly be what I wanted too.
To backtrack a little more, I've was apprehensive about accepting the internship. One problem was that I wouldn't have a workspace (asides from my lap) but more importantly, I didn't get the right vibe there. Beggars can't be choosers though, and I figured that I had nothing to lose, much to learn and best of all, they would cover the cost of my unlimited monthly.
Honestly though, I was doing it for the metro, and now that this is beginning to seem like it may not be, that becomes my biggest concern.
Also, I formed a very real disdain for Craigslist after my last job search, which makes applying for a new internship that much more painful. I feel like I have to act now though, when galleries are looking for fall interns. I want guidance in whether I should wait out to see what happens with this internship, which would really help in easing my money situation, but I'm unsure about, or if I should go ahead and start looking for a new one with a gallery I like. I have another internship starting this Sunday at a small gallery, but as it is only once a week, I know I will def. need something more. It's doubtful if I get a new internship I'll still get a metro, so...it seems like budget wise I would be screwed. (goodbye fall boots)


I am hoping that an adult will pop up and tell me what to do.

Trivial things

Now that I'm out of school, working only part time and "single" I find myself with a lot more free time. A lot of that time has been dedicated to television (Arrested Development and Dexter season 3...mostly) Neither of my internships have yet to begin, and I'm getting a feeling that the one that would have covered my metro may be falling through. (fuck you Craigslist). Anyway, I have some thoughts I want to share.

I've been reading a lot of nytimes.com at work (my job is mind-numbing otherwise) and usually I try to get some update on what's going on with health care. Well, I don't have much of an answer on that, but time to myself has allowed me to reflect on obesity in America. Obesity is obviously a major player in our healthcare costs, but I don't think that greater access to health providers or "healthy eating" seminars will actually fix the problem. I really don't believe that the reasons why Americans are so fat is because they are irresponsible with their diets or "lazy." Obesity seems to me as a symptom of many of the bigger social issues we have, in particular the huge disparity in incomes that we have between the very very affluent and the masses of those living below the "middle." I mean, isn't the biggest factor behind obesity being poor? Not very well stated, but I mean, it's well known that the majority of the obese are generally coming from the lower income brackets.
I guess this concerns me since part of the health care reform is to lower costs over time, obesity being one of the most expensive problems, but I don;t see how more access to healthcare can really make an effective change with that? It seems like...more of a social issue where families with parents working long hours for meager wages aren't going to have the time, funds or energy to go shopping for fresh groceries each week and turning those into healthy meals at least a few times each week. McDonald's and Burger King are also very creepily cheap....spicy chicken sandwich is only $1!!!! How is that even possible?

My other thought was that vampire romances are really painfully idiotic. Watching them gain social prominence is about as painful as having the heel of a 5 inch pump pressed onto my eyes. Okay, that's actually an exaggeration, being that I shuddered a bit as I thought that statement over. I would say....as painful as not eating for 2 days. seriously.