Random musings following a busy absence

Hoping to expand my library of pet names, here are a few currently undergoing beta testing:

poobrainz, ass-slut, thumb head

I'll let you know how they go.

Yesterday I stumbled upon this entry from workplacepsychology.net asking "What gets you up in the morning?" and "What keeps you up at night?” (keeping in mind this is a blog dedicated to organizational psych).

Of course, my first thought was that what got me up in the morning was my alarm clock, my need to make money…the same things, more or less, that kept me up at night (anxieties about time + finances).

Taking the question more seriously y though…
What I WANT to wake up for, would be art. To continue chasing the gratification I receive from helping artists I really admire and appreciate for their creativity and skill succeed. Also, to share and spread their work not only for their benefit, but for the joy and inspiration I know that they can bestow on others who see their work. Even better, to bring that sort of joy and spark of creativity to people who don’t normally get to experience it.

What keeps me up at night? Fears that what I do is not enough. That I spread my focus too thinly or perhaps that I let fear and insecurity control my decisions rather than passion and honesty to myself.

A lot of thoughts have been cooking in my brain recently now that artists are coming in to pick up their work and the gallery is more or less closed. More time to read art criticism and re- immersion into the New York art world (via job hunting, mostly) now that the gallery no longer consumes all my time the way it once did (that was a wonderful time, btw) has got me sorting through some contradictory thoughts about the concept of “outsider” art (wtf is an outsider, particularly in the arts, really?) and the importance of artwork being challenging.

Tomorrow maybe..

Ideas are one thing and what happens is another.

John Cage

When I let myself believe that having "it all" is beyond my reach, that is when I do my absolute worst (in my opinion). Shouldn't life be lived to the highest of standards? That only makes sense to me. This may be a horrendous mistake, but today I will be taking on a huge to do list that I hope will inspire me in the next few days after. I am feeling like I need a great deal of inspiration...

YES! I can feel the energy flowing through me already.

I need yoga, I need watercolor and tones and tones of solitude

INSTEAD, I have dehydrated snack squid (er..) and spicy mango (mm!)

Trying to figure out what email to write first. =(
I've been having a hard time relaxing recently...which makes my "work time" way less efficient, so it is very frustrating! I dunno if blogging is much of a remedy, but it usually does foster enough guilt on me to push me to be way more productive afterwards.

Maybe a string of plans falling through these last few days has been bringing me down....anyhow, just admitting I have these feelings I have help a lot too.
Can;t wait to be home.

Either I kill Myself or I move Forward

I choose the latter...

A few thoughts:
I feel so lost and unfocused without exercise. Fuck, I have had a break for a week or so now and that should never be allowed. Time tog t back on that horsey and grab life by the reins.

I think I need a week to myself in isolated solitude. My independence is dripping away...

out out out

Shit mang...
I read this (out of context) and nearly started to cry @ the workstation...
I have two more days left at this job, and this confirms why I'm getting the fuck out. Of this stupid fucking job that jails me in.

"If you're going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don't even start.
This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives and maybe even your mind.
It could mean not eating for three or four days. It could mean freezing on a park bench.
It could mean jail. It could mean derision. It could mean mockery--isolation. Isolation is
the gift. All the others are a test of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it.
And, you'll do it, despite rejection and the worst odds. And it will be better than anything
else you can imagine. If you're going to try, go all the way. There is no other feeling like that.
You will be alone with the gods, and the nights will flame with fire. You will ride life straight
to perfect laughter. It's the only good fight there is."
— Charles Bukowski

yea baby yea. get me the fuck out.

Libra-Scorpio (Week of Drama & Criticism) + Capricorn I (Week of the Ruler)

Stayed up late last night (relative to the usual time) working on preliminary plans with my summer "project" (tentatively titled: "Once More" or "Ocean," ...waiting for something better). Crawling into bed around 3 am and for no reason in particular decided to forgo my obvious tiredness to flip through the Big Book of Relationships.

Had a few birthdays to investigate, as always, and a few to revisit. I can't help but sigh, I don't really *want* to believe in astrology, but this damn book always proves to be so right. (Horoscopes are bull though)
Anyway, Libra-Scorpio (Week of Drama & Criticism) + Capricorn I (Week of the Ruler)



"People can only free themselves"
The lesson I am still battling with.

Then or now

Putting my thoughts into words has been difficult recently..It's been a while though, and this warm weather brings me back to where I was last year during this same time.

Bizarre. It's still so easy and fresh in my memory, walking into my apartment after school each day, the gravel along the walkway that dug into my slipper or moccasins or whatever I normally wore to avoid having to tie my shoes, the way the apartment smelled (like the cheap gray carpeting that lined most of it)...

Mostly, I was concerned with my thesis, drinking watery coffee and sustaining myself on ice pops and Dunkin Doughnuts flatbreads. Nothing ever felt entirely clean or free of grime. (I blame Jericho Turnpike)

With all of this, the point being...I feel like crying when I think of that time, and I'm not sure why.