Quiet work day..

I want to be relevant!!

I’ve spent the last year working at a commercial art gallery (specializing in Contemporary Art) and although that experience has been extremely enlightening and has been a position where I have grown very much personally and professionally, the clearest lesson that I have to take from my experience is that working at a large commercial gallery (or even a small one) is just not for me. It’s not for lack of ability but the absence of passion.

Some aspects of the gallery circuit I love and am thrilled by – such as the relationship between galleries and the artists that they represent. A gallery (and the people behind it) have the ability to promote and uplift talent where they find it deserved, and being able to help an artist that I truly believe in and find important succeed and be recognized for their talents is extremely rewarding.

That being said, this is barely the complete foundation and goal underlying the relationship of artists and galleries, and especially not in the case of large galleries in Chelsea where the rent demands a very different set of standards. In truth, the gallery world (at least that of New York, which is highly international versus the more local scenes of Boston or Philadelphia, for example) is one where artists are often stepped on and exploited, collectors are like dollar signs to be chased and fought over and dealers, gallerists, curators and critics endlessly battling internally the issue of integrity versus getting the rent paid.

What I really don’t like the most about the commercial art world though is how incredibly inclusive it is. What I just described above are the primary players in a fairly consistent cycle where only a tiny percentile “win.” I guess there is a certain glamour to New York and having an art scene where everyone seems to know everyone and things are just fabulous. Truthfully though, my mother has never and likely won’t ever visit galleries in Chelsea. Nor will my brother or my cousins or any of the kids I grew up with in Brooklyn. Most people don’t care about this, understandably, but I do, to these people that I find so much more important and make up so much more of the community and world I know, I want to be relevant!!

I wish I could pull out...

my old art history notes. Well, more precisely, remember that particular artists working *right* around the time figuration made a come back.

Anyway, James Benjamin Franklin:


So clean and graphic and yet gooey at the same time too.
My favorites of his usually has two main figures (two people..lights...etc.) whose the direct connection/relationship to one another feel very thoughtful and sincere. Obviously they are mute since it is a painting, but even if the sound was "on", they seem like pairs that could really bask in the silence together.
It reminds me of how I feel when I do some type of art and feel very close to it. : )

(poem)

Daddy,

How do I explain?
The things that I do
are not for my health.

The sweet taste of liquor and
the burn of the smoke
percolating.

It is one thing to be ignorant

and quite another to be deluded

Ok, I admit it...

the last post was pretty "emo"

*shrug* I'm gonna try taking it easy

There's a noodle in my brain

It's scary sometimes to be honest with oneself, but being honest with myself is also the closest I've ever been to maturity or adulthood or whatever. So lets take a deep breath and go under.

I've spent the last few months trying to reconcile things with my exboyfriend, who, I still love, but in what capacity and under what definitions, I do not know. What an incredibly hurtful and painful experience. One where I hurt him, myself, and he, the same. The fact that neither of are innocent has made the distribution of blame and sympathy a difficult situation. I feel both guilty and victimized.
I can feel this discomfort and overall sadness in my body, not quite located at the heart but perhaps slightly behind it. Not quite about heartbreak or love, but perhaps viewing this whole situation as a critique of who we are. Of thoughts about purity and perfection and goals and wants...spending years finding them and having them ripped from your throat by someone you love or maybe even yourself. Falling short of the expectations you set for yourself and set for you by others and still being loved. Finally getting to where you want to be and rejecting love...

The day after I catch the stomach flu I feel drained from everything I lost the day before. I'd like to go to sleep now.

Ready for fall

These last few weeks, I have been juggling around quite a platter of goals and desires. To some extent, that has been inspirational and was fueling my creativity in a lot of ways. Mostly though, it made me feel hectic, and having so many goals actually kept me from achieving any of them. I think part of the reason why I felt the need to have such goal was a fear that I would forget them altogether if I didn't immediately take action.
Happily, this is why the written language was invented...

1. Learn Spanish
2. Take lessons to learn web development so that I can...
3. Build websites for certain artists.
4. Help represented artist get a residency.
5. Find a full time job with benefits.
6. Find financial stability.
7. Take ballet...or karate.
8. Progress in personal art.

Really what I want is an inner peace with MYSELF. Spending more time indoors by myself has helped me realize that a platter of wants is no good unless you can focus your energy into actually accomplishing one. Also trying my best not to rush and keep my room clean. :) I think that mentally I am finally ready to usher in fall as a state of mind. ALso excited to wear layers and sweaters for fall. yup yup. :)

End of summer checklist (wishlist?) 2010

- Watch a movie outdoors (Target: Thursday, August 26
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade )
- Terrorize restaurant week.
(Target: Fig & Olive)
- party on a boat
- got to the beach (done!)

Quite Nice

Yesterday I got a really wonderful call from my friend Gil that I knew was coming for a long while...he got a job offer for a place that he is actually excited to work for and I am so happy for him!! This means so much to me as I look into changing the direction of my own career goals, and knowing that Gil has been working so hard and persevering through so much over these last few months, yet never gave up on finding that job is truly such an inspiration! It reaffirms my own feeling that hard work paves the road to success, and that is not just to be measured monetarily..but judged by that warm fuzzy feeling inside when you can say "I did it! and I deserved it too!" I'm excited for a weekend on heavy drinking celebration!

On my way home today there was an ad for SVA with a bunch of quotes by famous artists. It empowered me to come home and write, but of course I was drunk and can't remember what it said! (lame) Nor can I find it online...(double lame!) but...well, all I can say is there is quite a bit of positive feeling and emotion swirling around me these last few days (not least of which the beautiful wedding of my brother to his even hotter wife) and I feel quite nice.

Random musings following a busy absence

Hoping to expand my library of pet names, here are a few currently undergoing beta testing:

poobrainz, ass-slut, thumb head

I'll let you know how they go.

Yesterday I stumbled upon this entry from workplacepsychology.net asking "What gets you up in the morning?" and "What keeps you up at night?” (keeping in mind this is a blog dedicated to organizational psych).

Of course, my first thought was that what got me up in the morning was my alarm clock, my need to make money…the same things, more or less, that kept me up at night (anxieties about time + finances).

Taking the question more seriously y though…
What I WANT to wake up for, would be art. To continue chasing the gratification I receive from helping artists I really admire and appreciate for their creativity and skill succeed. Also, to share and spread their work not only for their benefit, but for the joy and inspiration I know that they can bestow on others who see their work. Even better, to bring that sort of joy and spark of creativity to people who don’t normally get to experience it.

What keeps me up at night? Fears that what I do is not enough. That I spread my focus too thinly or perhaps that I let fear and insecurity control my decisions rather than passion and honesty to myself.

A lot of thoughts have been cooking in my brain recently now that artists are coming in to pick up their work and the gallery is more or less closed. More time to read art criticism and re- immersion into the New York art world (via job hunting, mostly) now that the gallery no longer consumes all my time the way it once did (that was a wonderful time, btw) has got me sorting through some contradictory thoughts about the concept of “outsider” art (wtf is an outsider, particularly in the arts, really?) and the importance of artwork being challenging.

Tomorrow maybe..

Ideas are one thing and what happens is another.

John Cage

When I let myself believe that having "it all" is beyond my reach, that is when I do my absolute worst (in my opinion). Shouldn't life be lived to the highest of standards? That only makes sense to me. This may be a horrendous mistake, but today I will be taking on a huge to do list that I hope will inspire me in the next few days after. I am feeling like I need a great deal of inspiration...

YES! I can feel the energy flowing through me already.

I need yoga, I need watercolor and tones and tones of solitude

INSTEAD, I have dehydrated snack squid (er..) and spicy mango (mm!)

Trying to figure out what email to write first. =(
I've been having a hard time relaxing recently...which makes my "work time" way less efficient, so it is very frustrating! I dunno if blogging is much of a remedy, but it usually does foster enough guilt on me to push me to be way more productive afterwards.

Maybe a string of plans falling through these last few days has been bringing me down....anyhow, just admitting I have these feelings I have help a lot too.
Can;t wait to be home.

Either I kill Myself or I move Forward

I choose the latter...

A few thoughts:
I feel so lost and unfocused without exercise. Fuck, I have had a break for a week or so now and that should never be allowed. Time tog t back on that horsey and grab life by the reins.

I think I need a week to myself in isolated solitude. My independence is dripping away...

out out out

Shit mang...
I read this (out of context) and nearly started to cry @ the workstation...
I have two more days left at this job, and this confirms why I'm getting the fuck out. Of this stupid fucking job that jails me in.

"If you're going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don't even start.
This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives and maybe even your mind.
It could mean not eating for three or four days. It could mean freezing on a park bench.
It could mean jail. It could mean derision. It could mean mockery--isolation. Isolation is
the gift. All the others are a test of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it.
And, you'll do it, despite rejection and the worst odds. And it will be better than anything
else you can imagine. If you're going to try, go all the way. There is no other feeling like that.
You will be alone with the gods, and the nights will flame with fire. You will ride life straight
to perfect laughter. It's the only good fight there is."
— Charles Bukowski

yea baby yea. get me the fuck out.

Libra-Scorpio (Week of Drama & Criticism) + Capricorn I (Week of the Ruler)

Stayed up late last night (relative to the usual time) working on preliminary plans with my summer "project" (tentatively titled: "Once More" or "Ocean," ...waiting for something better). Crawling into bed around 3 am and for no reason in particular decided to forgo my obvious tiredness to flip through the Big Book of Relationships.

Had a few birthdays to investigate, as always, and a few to revisit. I can't help but sigh, I don't really *want* to believe in astrology, but this damn book always proves to be so right. (Horoscopes are bull though)
Anyway, Libra-Scorpio (Week of Drama & Criticism) + Capricorn I (Week of the Ruler)



"People can only free themselves"
The lesson I am still battling with.

Then or now

Putting my thoughts into words has been difficult recently..It's been a while though, and this warm weather brings me back to where I was last year during this same time.

Bizarre. It's still so easy and fresh in my memory, walking into my apartment after school each day, the gravel along the walkway that dug into my slipper or moccasins or whatever I normally wore to avoid having to tie my shoes, the way the apartment smelled (like the cheap gray carpeting that lined most of it)...

Mostly, I was concerned with my thesis, drinking watery coffee and sustaining myself on ice pops and Dunkin Doughnuts flatbreads. Nothing ever felt entirely clean or free of grime. (I blame Jericho Turnpike)

With all of this, the point being...I feel like crying when I think of that time, and I'm not sure why.

Eventually, it will be spring

things i learned at work

- Article on a book about luv- well, that was depressing...

- Vik Muniz: Overrated and flat imo. Also, left Sao Paolo for New York, wtf, it is 18 degrees today. Then again, he is probably not here anyway as he is an INTERNATIONAL ART STAR**

- Edward Butynsky: Fuck yea...is it really asking so much for artists to go mainstream and make their work into wallpapers so I can surround myself in their artistic glory? Canadians are cooler than I wanna admit.

**I LIED, he had an opening on Saturday in NYC. When I told my boss I didn't like him becuz I found him boring and lame I was advised to tell no one else in the *art world* such things. *eye roll*

Running out of steam? noo0o

Ahh yes...there is something endearing about eating cup noodles from the office kitchen for dinner towards the end of the month...

The biggest "issue" in my life right now seems to be the acquisition of enough sleep, which doesn't come easy when one maintains "work hard, play hard" as their life mantra. I got the promotion @ work, but it feels worthless when I don't have the energy to grab it by the balls and own it.

That being said, I have at least 4 friends with birthday parties this weekend, but I think I'll be staying home and sleeping instead. I'll get some fake nails on Sunday afternoon and maybe even watercolor a bit before if it's sunny enough. I definitely need some jogging/yoga/butt kicking (pole/belly-dancing classes start in two weeks...). In short, taking the weekend off to be me...

Will likely be out drunk and nasty by Sunday.
x0x

Whoa Whoa Whoa

Been looking for regularity these last few weeks, that didn't really happen. The last three weeks have been somewhat tumultuous:

-Given the insane and very blessed opportunity to live/study in Asia for 3 months come spring. I leave March 3...or do I (see next).

-Returned to the gallery, super intense stress-time as we prepare for a new exhibit (opens tomorrow!) while organizing/designing material for the next shows catalogue. The upside to these newfound responsibilities is that I was offered a promotion my first day back! Still deciding whether to take the opportunity or go to China...(many things have yet to be discussed...)

-Have been forcibly thrown into the world of bedbug victimization. Many hours @ reception job are consumed with hunting for better ways to kill them. That being said, they have yet to invade my own living area (knock on wood) but that has not stopped me from living in a state of constant paranioa.

- Moved into the new apt yesterday, that is, after a week of non-stop painting, caulking, flooring and w/e else we could find to renovate. It feels like home though already, and the fridge isn't even plugged in.

Okay. Till next time.